RPG Monologues
by Maniacal Dragon
Summary: Little monologues/stories based on our IZ RPG.. rated for possible angst or other themes. Possibly disjointed.
1. Shalea

A/N: Well, this is a mildly insane collection of... basically, head-voice ramblings. Sometimes they just won't shut up, you know? Anyway, each and every one of these was inspired by events occuring in our RPG.. all the points of view in here are characters that I play in that RPG... either because I had ideas concerning them, or because they would not be quiet and needed an outlet...

Please be aware that while Invader Zim, JtHM, and any of the other related characters in here originally belong to Jhonen Vasquez, they have changed a lot in the course of the RP, so don't expect them to be fresh out of the show, so to speak. They have been through a lot and have changed as people. Possible characters you might hear from (that I play) are my SI character, Shalea, Maroon, Dib, Nny, Misik, Ranlumez, Zimkiller.. or maybe others.. kinda depends.

~-~-~

This monologue of sorts took place during a plot where Zim's siamese cat, Shalea (yes, in reading Susan Kay's Phantom Zim decided he must have a siamese cat), got trapped in one of the house computer's species altering machines. After several such accidents, Zim destroyed the machine, although Kat is currently building another one because she wants to try being a walrus/monkey/python whatever... anyway, Shalea's little issue was that she was able to inhabit an Irken body for a little while. She deigned to use this newfound 'power' to make all her selfish and power-mongering dreams come true... it didn't work, but hey, she tried.

~-~-~ Shalea ~-~-~

I have never before been in a position where I could output my thoughts and feelings in an albeit limited written form.. I have been 'blessed' with a knowledge of their language and somehow, a grasp of it. All my short life I've been a cat. Taken from my mother when I was very very young, I confess I barely remember her.. taken IN also at a young age to the being, the man, the god and center of my universe. I grew always in confidence.. and I admit I've also been somewhat stubborn. Everything about him is wonderful. Everything. His scent, his touch, the feeling he gives off, the way he moves, the way his voice sounds.. I cannot and never could hope to express my devotion to him. His power too, his command of the rhythms they call music, it thrills me. To see him wield it over another, I would almost become prey to it myself.. but then, I wouldn't be myself.  
  
I've been around others as I was growing up. I don't like them much. They can't compare to me, can't compare to the feeling that I share with him. They can't compare.. why do they try? Why does he LET them try!? I give him all of me! I give him everything and still he lets them around, lets them touch him, he even gets upset with me when I make a protest. He almost seems immune to my charm.. doesn't seem to see the feeling I have for him and how I'm trying to express it. I KNOW I'm doing nothing wrong in how I express. His exterior is cold and it can be very hard.. to reach inside. But I have been inside.. I have been inside and it's wonderful and beautiful. I want to stay inside.. but I'm not sure if he'll allow me. THEY can not get inside. I don't want them near.  
  
It frustrates me, and makes me start to doubt myself, lose my confidence.. I look around and I see humans, I see Irkens, I see them.. I see he is of their kind. He ignores my entreats for feeling when they are around him. I know he loves me.. I know he needs ME. But I can't bury myself in his feeling to the level I want to.. I am.. 'only a cat'. This creates a barrier between us that I am desperate to tear down. I want to make him my own. I had to find a way to do that.. I thought I had the way.  
  
There's little use explaining what happened but suffice to say.. his technology.. has always been amazing. He can create and rule worlds with it. Anything can be done.. and I thought I could make this possible. I tried it. It was extremely painful.. I'm not sure I quite comprehend what happened. I am not.. whole and connected as I used to be. A construction of synthetics and electronics, I believe, went into the making of this... whatever it is.. and I fear I won't be able to go back to myself. But my love and my devotion is strong enough for that not to matter. I can BE.. a part of him now. And that's worth more than being myself.  
  
Only I found my confidence shattered. This new body and consciousness, not to mention the knowledge, was staggering and disorienting and I could not even cling to my dignity. I make it my strong duty now to reclaim this, to become used to and comfortable in my new guise as... as someone of.. HIS type.. this, too, is thrilling.. utterly thrilling.. it brings me close to him, I feel, in a way I've never been able to be before.  
  
The others, now, they are clearer, too. No better than pieces of furniture, they are obstacles in my blind but undaunted struggle towards him. Merely obstacles, to be destroyed, avoided, or climbed over. Only these obstacles move.. and the greatest obstacle is his tendency to move with them. I am only one little cat.. how can I cover all of it with my desperate rushing paws, my piercing but ineffective yowls, how can I reach every field in time? I can't be everywhere.. but at least I can now perhaps.. my reach has extended.. once I am back on my feet. My reach is farther, I can leap more quickly over obstacles, I can latch onto and overcome more of them at the same time.. perhaps this way, if I keep my poise, and I hurry, and never take eyes from my goal.. I will get past them, and reach him.


	2. SI Lynne

~-~-~

This is one I wrote a long time ago to express both the feeling of being trapped and the feeling of emotional attraction that has for a long time been affecting my SI character (Lynne) in the RPG. She started out as me, since all of us in the RPG have SI characters that we play along with the others, but since then she has become wildly different, more emotionally ensnared, and more forcefully grounded by what she perceives to be her responsibilities to someone in particular. She's interesting to play, although her similiarity to myself makes her affect me more than the others sometimes. Nevertheless she is separate, and almost a headvoice of sorts. o.o This monologue is ALSO sort of a songfic, since Zim has always been into that Phantom-esque thing.

~-~-~ Lynne ~-~-~

I awoke in a sweat. Panting, struggling to get out of the confines of the winding sheets that bound me, fighting the panic that threatened to overtake me. I was being suffocated. The walls, the floors, the clothes, my own clumsy body, all of them shoved down and dragged on my soul, and I couldn't get away. From some of it, maybe, but it was a brief respite, and all the more painful in that I could never quite reach the sky again. Reach the stars, reach the earth, reach everything I'd had before and wanted again.  
  
I managed to fight away from the bed, barely remembering to stop myself with my hands before I hit the floor with a jarring thump. Stumbling to my feet, I didn't even grab my robe before fleeing upstairs, my hands fumbling and tearing at the knob of the front door before I managed to escape into the night.  
  
I ran. My breath burned in my lungs, and I narrowly missed hitting or tripping over many trees and bushes. There was nowhere to go. I could run in circles all I wanted, and could get nowhere.. what the hell tied me to this world besides this infernal filthy human body? I did trip, then, and went sprawling across the grass halfway into the woods. Trapped here, chained down, the exhausted ache of my shoulderblades from the strain I imposed on them while running.. unfulfilled strain of limbs that this body did not have.  
  
What did I even have here? Emotion, clutter.. only more chains binding me, more strings jerking on my mind. But clutter serves a purpose. Cloud me, and I forget the awful pain of seeing what I once had and no longer have. Let it flood my soul and make me fly in its own way. It's not even comparable, but if I could forget... live in bliss, ignorance, and happy emotion, just for a little while.. I will remember when I have my wings again, and then the memory will be real once more. There is nothing to do but get through this life, and if I can get through it with both my clarity and things to distract from the pain, then I will have succeeded. We are puppets of our own design. And tonight I choose to be a puppet, choose to let the emotions and the music run free in my heart, make me forget who I am. Oh, the things we do to be rid of pain..  
  
In sleep he sang to me  
In dreams he came  
  
It's much easier to sleep out here, isn't it? With the earth beneath you and the trees above you.. the entire vibration of life flowing steadily and carrying you along with it. Mixed with that is the music, as you drift off, your senses clouded as you succumb to the beauty and peace it instills in you. So much clouds me when I let it, and in sleep the subconscious takes over. My haze is here, and I let it come, to block the pain.  
  
That voice which calls to me  
And speaks my name  
  
The music makes clouds, as well, luring my mind and senses. It melts into different forms; the sensual throb of a fiddle, the soft, enticing voice that, while not up to par with some I have heard, pulls those same strings on my heart that I let stay there. I never hear my name in that voice when I'm awake, but when I dream it's there as much as I want it to be.  
  
And do I dream again  
For now I find  
  
I'm lost in slumber again, that fiddle still crooning in my mind, that voice still whispering my name, and there are shapes now.. colors. Where the dark of night once was there's a glow, almost like a candle, but warmer, brighter, and far away. I see him, too, standing confidently, the fiddle held under his chin as he caresses the strings with the bow, gloved fingers sliding across the neck to form the slow, alluring notes. It's a sight I will always love seeing.  
  
The Phantom of the Opera is there  
Inside my mind  
  
This isn't usually a state I let myself sink into, but it's here now and I'm welcoming it. I let my emotions take over, I give the human reign, and my mind sinks into the ecstasy, drowning in the flowing notes and the figure standing in the light, a cape hanging from his shoulders and trailing elegantly around his form. The light traces his every contour, highlighting on the fiddle, glinting across the strings as the bow moves. His touch is so gentle, so artful, on that thing, and the notes are quickly wrapping my senses up, tightening around me with an irresistable pull. Like my entire mind could be satisfied with only him, neither seeing nor caring about anything beyond the cloud, which appears as nothing but a warm, soft glow now. All the claustrophobia of before is gone.. I no longer desire the sky, it's a distant memory.  
  
The voice is there again, the pull of the music more intense, and he looks at me now, with those burning red eyes. His gaze was always something that alternately scared me and entranced me, and it does the latter now, and in my dream I raise my voice along with his, the fiddle singing along with us, the melodies twining together intimately, and I almost seem to fly again.  
  
Things are becoming clearer now, within the haze. He's moved closer, the cape swirling around him, the bow still moving across the fiddle strings, faster now. My mind is listening, wanting to drown in the music and feeling, but the farther it gets, the more it starts to rebel. That tiny part of me that hates this dream, hates the dreamy cloud, hates the feelings caused that clutter me so much. I can't even tell where I am in this dream... there is only him. I am not here, this has nothing to do with me..  
  
The cloud is suffocating.. I don't want to be here. As if sensing my resistance, he moves still closer, the edges of his cape brushing me, his gaze deep in mine. I want so badly just to lose myself in him and his music. The complacent assuredness in his entire demeanor almost has ME convinced, that I want nothing else, but I have never been anything if not as uncluttered as I possibly can be. The music is pressing against me now, pinning me down with a warm, somehow lurid comfort, but I'm fighting against it now. He's getting more aggressive now, in stance and gaze, but his fingers keep their rhythm on the instrument he holds, and the pull on my mind increases. Not without me battling it. Clutter and deception leads only to more pain, and ignorant bliss is not how I must find harmony. I'm lashing out at him now, only making him grow more violent. He appears almost like some kind of demon, the warm glow of light roiling red, the cape furling out behind him, a snarl on his face at my disobediance. It's another trick, another pull on those strings around my heart, but I don't let dreams order me around. It's sickening to lose yourself into a dream that much, when you realize what you are doing. My clarity has returned, and I am easily able to cast off his music and his influence, easily able to sweep away the cloud that keeps me in this haven. The harmony of clarity or the bliss of complete ignorance.. there is no happiness to be found in anything between them.  
  
I open my eyes again to the dark woods only to find myself shivering. Why does one always feel so ashamedly evil after letting oneself do something like that? Is there really anything so terrible about it? No one's pain should ever be great enough to force them into delusionary dreams. But why does the reality I wake to have to be so terrible?


	3. Tallest Maroon

~-~-~

This is a short one from the point of view of Tallest Maroon. He requires a little explaining so I'll do what I can. Maroon is of the Student class, and is a historian and scholar who is rather obsessed with the arts and culture, and restoring it on Irk. In the RPG, Red and Purple due to an accident were stranded on Earth. Purple managed to adapt quite well and made a whole life for himself there, but Red more or less hated it, and always wanted to return. He finally managed to, and after immediately telling everyone that Purple was dead, took up co-ruler-ship with Maroon, who had been found in the interim and, unfortunately, was the same height as the other two, and MUCH less subservient to Red's ideas than Purple had been. Information slipped through, though, and Maroon found out that Purple was still alive. He aimed to retrieve him, but that failed. Afterwards, Maroon was invited by a resident human, KidK, to tour the planet with her since she'd stumbled onto the Massive II and found she and Maroon shared a lot of interests. Almost as soon as Maroon left, Red disconnected the teleporters with a handy laser and due to various 'accidents' Maroon has been stuck on Earth since.

~-~-~ Tallest Maroon ~-~-~

What was I supposed to do about it, then? I could feel my antennae crossing inward towards each other as I stared at the sparking cables, torn to what looked like shreds by the teeth of some.. little animal. Vehicle of the fates? Machine of the gods? What? Why had this happened to me? And with my helplessness in being estranged here, here on an alien planet, no matter how interesting, there was nothing I could do. I had a co-ruler. A co-ruler I would've, especially at this moment, given ANYTHING to tear the head off of.  
  
Lying, stinking, bloodlusting Soldier. The worst example of the Soldier class I have ever yet seen. I almost can't blame his former co-ruler for choosing to remain on this alien world, although I sorely wish he had agreed to return. How often in history does one legitimately match the height of the Tallest? I never wanted to be Tallest. Not ever. I used to walk hunched over and lock myself in the museums and libraries where I would work! Still I towered over.. well.. everyone. And then the Tallest disappeared. Both of them. There had been an accident with the capital ship of the armada, the Massive, and while construction had immediately begun on the Massive II, we were without rulers. A search was initiated. They found me.  
  
Was this fate? Had that been fate? How could I know? I only knew the sworn duty that I had taken on, as I'd been taught and as I knew to be true deep in my heart. Irk was dying. Crushed under the weight of the computers, the machines, its inhabitants struggling to exist under cyborg attachments, the remnants of ancient culture turning to dust and being swept away by this   
sterile, military, incredibly fake and empty reality. The scholars held the history texts and the artifacts, and it was us who clung to the meaning that life had once had for Irkens. We used to be empathic. Our antennae used to be able to sense and perceive so much more than they do now. When I was young and foolish I would spend hours, days even, struggling to awaken this   
old talent which I was sure MUST have been there, somewhere, lying latent. I never could find it. I think I may lack the knowledge or training to be able to use it, if it's even there anymore.  
  
Irk has to survive. That was the only thought in my head even as the sparking cables burned into my vision. I could not help but stare, seething inside, gritting my teeth together. Mother of IRK knows what Red is doing in my absence. Not only had he attepted to destroy the teleporters on HIS side.. this had happened. And not only was Red and the entire Soldier class attempting to destroy the meaning of Irken life and culture, but they were inflicting the same fate on alien planets and civilizations. Irk needed to expand. With all the smeets being constructed and grown in their tubes, the population was overflowing... Irkens lived so long, their natural birth rate was so slow... but nothing was natural anymore. Nothing. How can one Irken, even one in the position of Tallest, change all this? Make things worthwhile again?  
  
Perhaps I'm almost like a Soldier, too. I can be as tough as one. I know my duty, and it must come before my research, come before my exploration and the great fun I've been having experiencing and learning about this planet I'm on. I have met cultured and very enjoyable alien personalities. I have experienced a thousand things, things that I've only read about before. It's this experience that I have to save. I have to. My entire species is lost if I don't.. I have to get back. They still listen to me, I can still   
contact them and order them from afar. There is a way past these obstacles and I intend to find it. Even if it means arranging Red's death when I return.


	4. Johnny

~-~-~

This one's from our favorite homicidal maniac. 9.9 In our RP, he's been confused lately, and has had a lot more weird and fantastical stuff happen to him than had happened by the end of the comics. This Nny is an RP takeoff from the one in my stories The Soul Project and Not Worthy, so the same things have happened to him.. and much more, besides. He's long been friends with Tabby (another SI of one of our RPers, she appears in Sword of Damocles in AF's profile), or sort-of friends. This monologue thingey takes place after her father, the Otallah of the Avitor, came and tried to take her away to kill her. She's got a lot of family issues. Nny just has a lot of issues period.

~-~-~ Johnny ~-~-~

You know, it's times like these when I really MISS having voices in my head. I'm so f*cking tired of being alone. She's gone. Tabby, I mean. The Avitor. What the hell is an Avitor, anyway? Only a race of the biggest assholes I've ever met besides.. well.. all the rest. Although I'm starting to wonder where MY mind has gone... I feel so much more listless lately. I hate being here. I've DIED at least three times, and then what? Every single time, something has dragged me back. I visited something called heaven, then something called hell, and then later, some realm of that wall-demon which still seems to be after me, and besides that it seems I'm ALWAYS being dragged off to some faeryland or another.  
  
Maybe seeing so many more things has gotten to me, I don't know. Phoenixes, unicorns, dragons, those things aren't supposed to exist. Why should they exist in a useless world like this? They're just stories. I've seen them, though, all of them. So I have to accept them. A long time ago I realized there probably wasn't an iota of different between dreams and reality. They just kept merging too much. They just kept... there was hardly any DIFFERENCE anymore. Reality started making less sense than my dreams. So what am I supposed to do about that? When some huge evil bird-man pops into your house and starts throwing fireballs and trying to kill your guests, you stop trying to make sense of things.  
  
Maybe I've just given up. What good would it do to try and kill myself again? It's not like I can do anything worthwhile here, except maybe buy freezies for people, okay Tabby, and occasionally eviscerate one of those evil lobsters. Not like it ever works when I try to kill myself. I haven't killed anyone else in a long time. Well.. maybe it hasn't been that long. I don't really remember. I remember how pissed I got that one time... well.. I remember a fire but not much else. Why is my memory always so bad? It's like once I've learned something, I keep the knowledge and lose the experience. Details get completely fuzzy. I think I actually slept TWICE last month.. maybe I never woke up. Maybe I'm still in a dream. I can't damn well tell anymore. But even if I DO manage to kill myself, it won't work. And if it does, something will bring me back to this shithole. Something always does. Or someONE. What's tying me here? Why can't I get away? I HATE this.. I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it though. Except suffer. I wonder what kind of gods are out there laughing at my pain. They probably think I'm   
the most amusing thing since charging rhinos.  
  
At least before, I could see things. A little, maybe. I'm not sure I can anymore. Things used to make sense. I used to be able to see how they went together, at least, the bad things, the things that were wrong. Not anymore. Nothing makes SENSE anymore.


	5. Purple and AF

~-~-~

A/N: Now this one is NOT one of my characters or headvoices. Rather, it's two characters who I do not play, but since I told AF I'd write a romance with her and Purple... it... it didn't work very well... I can't write romances... not at all... I can't make myself do it! The closest I really came was this, a kind of reflection, on what has been happening in the RPG lately. Again, Purple won't be the same Purple from the show. He is JC's headvoice, not mine, and AF of course is herself, not mine. I don't often attempt to get into the thoughts of people who I have no access to the thoughts of, but here, anyway, is an attempt. Apologies for the lack of romance, AF. 9.9;; I'll see if I can't try to write something better later..

~-~-~ Aliet Faslami ~-~-~

To think she would more likely than not be spending her birthday on this stark and cramped transport ship. 404 File not found, she thought with a wry smirk. Indeed who knew when she would ever be found when any of them would be found. 

She stood to the side of a forbidding mass of twisting cables, coiling up the rounded sides of the aft end of the ship. They hummed slightly, but she pushed the sound to the back of her mind, failing to notice it, and she heard only silence. Only the stars held her attention, the stars through the large viewport. She laid trembling hands against the glass—though it was not glass, but some kind of clear and collapsible substance—and rested her forehead against it as well. Where was Earth? How long had it been since they'd been transported up here? How far away were they and where were they going? An ache coalesced itself in her heart. Her friends, her love, her child all of them, weren't they? She was sure they were all on this ship, being taken away to who knows where, away from Earth, away from their once-home. 

Earth how could it be home, any longer. Her eyes gazed vacantly out at the stars, and a tremor shuddered through her short figure. So long had she been held captive, locked away, in mental torment, by the government, the so-called protector of the people. She had not held back, she had struggled, and fought, and found the iron vise of the law's grip ever tighter around her throat. And then she had been here. But this was not a government ship. This was an Irken ship, that much she could tell. The humans, she was sure, had nothing to do with this, nothing at all. Somebody maybe Purple? Maybe even—no, not Red, Red would never help them like this. But someone had brought them to this ship and was taking them away. Hopefully to a better situation than they had left 

She heard footsteps behind her but didn't react to them. Did it matter? Did it really matter? Several of her friends had tried to find her, tried to bring her out of her stupor, but she couldn't, she couldn't allow it. She wasn't ready yet, to accept all this. The air hummed and vibrated, stale and warm from the engines or whatever it was that propelled Irken vessels. She felt a hand brush her shoulder, long slender fingers wrapping around her arm. 

came the voice, soft and worried. It was a voice that some part of her, inside, was glad to hear, but at the same time her outward demeanor rejected it. She lowered her head, only to have that same hand lift her chin. 

Up she looked, up up to the impossibly tall figure of Purple, his eyes large and worried, antennae slicked back. How long had he been searching for her? Who knew? Did it matter? They were stuck here she pulled her head away from his hand, looking out the window again. A thought intruded on her mind, a brooding thought, a thought of Ahriman where was Ahriman? Getting into so much trouble, as he was doing every moment of every day, why wasn't Purple watching him? He wasn't hurt, was he? 

Where's Ahriman? she said, her voice managing but a whisper. The coldness, the bleakness, with that one statement, began to melt away and she felt tears pricking at her eyes. Her boyfriend, as one could call him, standing there with concern, her child where was he? Was he alright was everyone else all right 

Purple said, looking back towards the hallway that led to the rest of the ship. Oh, he's fine, I left him with Bast and Eve. He seemed to be happy enough. 

AF shut her eyes in relief, little else registering in her mind, only that her family was safe. Her arms sought Purple's waist and closed around him, and she leaned against him with all her weight, eyes shut but nevertheless beginning to leak tears. 

He hugged her back, seeming more jumpy than he had been previously. Are you alright?? You're not sick, are you?? Did the humans do something to you? You're safe now, come on, let me take you to sickbay, we'll make sure everything's okay 

She shook her head, holding onto him tighter. Could he not see that she was fine, fine, they hadn't done anything to her, alls she needed was him, him and Ahriman, nothing else, she would be fine, no matter where they were, as long as she had him him and Nene Pele and Ahriman she could face anything with them at her side. Anything. 

Although still fraught with nervousness, Purple seemed to relent. Well, okay, just rest here then, alright? Settling her down against the floor, Purple sat down next to her and stroked her hair thoughtfully. She didn't loosen her grip on him, resting her cheek against his shoulder and opening her eyes to look at the stars again. They were blurry. She blinked and hot tears ran down her face. The stars were clear again. 

What happened? she managed to whisper. Where are we 

You mean they didn't tell you either? Well I suppose no one would've I couldn't find you, or I would've told you... I had to call Red. He didn't seem very happy with me, but this is his ship and he's lent it, I guess, to take us somewhere, a new home. A new planet I have no idea what it will be like. Ivy's safe with him, at least. 

AF mumbled, but kept her opinions to herself about how safe anyone around Red was. Who else 

Purple blinked, tightening his arms around her thoughtfully. Well Dai said everyone was safe and accounted for except Zim and Roger. I hope Zim isn't on this ship he'd be _sure_ to make _something_ go wrong. And I'm sure Lynne is taking care of Roger. 

AF mumbled. 

Yes, Ahriman's safe, I've been worried about him though. He's acting strangely, and seems like he might be sick or something 

AF said nothing, staring out at the stars again. A new planet what kind of planet? Where? She sensed Purple didn't know or he would've told her. Who _would_ know? If Red knew but AF didn't think it was worth it to try and get information out of him, high and mighty on the Massive II sending them on a lowly transport ship to Pele knew where. Another ache lanced itself through her heart. She would be so far from home even if she weren't allowed to go back to Hawai'i; at least it was still there but not anymore. What would she do if she didn't have her family? Or her familiar? But she didn't have to do anything without them. They were here.


End file.
